This is the beginning…

So let’s get started from the beginning. My name is Amanda.  My husband and I have known each other since we were 5. Kind of a funny story, he married young.  I also married young.  Neither of which worked out.  My 12 year marriage ended. So I did what I thought was the only option… Move back home where I felt safe.  OK so fast forward a little bit my husband and I ran into one another long story short weoved in together. He asked me to marry him. I was so happy. I finally found my happy ever after. 

OK so Scott and I decided that we were ready to start trying to have a baby.  We tried and tried for 2 years.  So I gave in and went to see my obgyn.  He was so amazing.  Very blunt and straight to the point.  Dr.  Cohen was and still is a doctor I wish I still had.  OK so Dr Cohen ordered alot of blood work etc etc.  Came back that I had to be referred to see a fertility doctor.  Now all the while I found out that I had hypothyroidism. Which is controlled by meds. So we make an appointment and go meet with the fertility doctor in Syracuse NY.  They did blood work upon blood work. Tests and a crap load of stuff.  We were very optimistic. So we made a follow up appointment. Went back and that is when I found out that I have PCOS.  I was shocked, scared,  feeling very heat up and broken.  In my mind I was thinking that the one thing I thought I could give my husband I was now told that it’s going to be alot harder.  So they gave us options.  I did a round of medication and a shot and next thing we knew WE WERE PREGNANT!!  Oh my God we were so excited.  But I didn’t want to get completely excited until we were 100% positive. 

OK so things are going fine.  A little morning sickness,  nothing major. For the first time in my life I can honestly say I was so looking forward to everything. We were very scared to tell anyone.  But we slowly started telling people. The first ultrasound we had where I heard his heartbeat I couldn’t help but cry.  That’s our baby. As weeks went by we got to see our little man.  And we found out that we were having a Lil boy.  He was definitely a little fire cracker.  Always letting me know if I ate something he didn’t like. He was so active.  

June 11th, 2013 I went to work like normal.  I was a bus aid for special needs children.  Came home after my morning run and went to the bathroom and just felt like something was wrong.  So I called Dr Cohen and his nurse called me right back and told me to get to the office immediately. I was scared I ain’t gonna lie. He did his exam and told me that I wasn’t going home and he was admitting me. I was on complete bedrest. Definitely wasn’t fun.  Dr Cohen was going back home for the weekend and told me that I was to chill and relax and to jotnhave this baby while he was gone.  Needless to say that didn’t happen.  Our little man wanted to make his presence known.  He was born June 14th,  2013 at 3:09am. Scott Michael was so tiny. He only weighed 1 lb 2oz.  The NICU doctor from Syracuse told us that the chance of our son living was probably not good.  The nurse came back in asked us if we wanted to hold him…

Every woman wants the first time holding their newborn baby to be a whole bunch of emotions.  We got to spend 4 hours with him.  He passed away in my husband’s arms.  I was so angry.  

Why me?  Why us?  What did we do to deserve this much pain? 

Have you ever had to get released from the hospital after having a baby.  To go plan a funeral and calling hours for your son.  I couldn’t handle it.  I still can’t handle it. I have been a bundle full of a mess since all this. 

Dealing day to day… 💔

Wednesday January 25th. 

We all know the gutt renching dealing of losing a child.  Now I don’t know about all you but when someone tells me to get over it.  Or I’m faking my depression and anxiety. Or I’m not a mother.  Those are just to name a few.  Sad thing is that I have had this stuff thrown in my face.  I feel like saying “who the fuck are you to judge me? ” you don’t know the pain I felt when I was in the hospital on complete bed rest, to grind in so much pain you scream and cry.  I never got to hear my precious son cry after he was born. The 5 days leading up to my son being born all I could do is try and relax. Alot easier said then done!! 

Our son’s birth/deathaversary is June 14, 2013 born at 3:09am. The NICU doctor came in and asked us if we wanted him to do anything he could to keep our son alive.  umm that’s a stupid question. He came back rather quickly. Told us that he thinks my 1lb2oz baby boy had a stroke. That hid chance of survival is not good.  So we told him to just get him off all the machines and bring him to us.  

I got to hold my rainbow baby.  Everyone who wanted to hold him got to.  Scott was the last to hold him.  Scott felt our son passing in his arms.  Breaks my heart.  

After my son passed,  do you think I could have a minute to try and make sense to what just happened.  Hell no!  I had this nurse come in to have me fill out all this paperwork. I tried being nice,  but my niceness went out the window. Then I was asked if we wanted him burried, cremated. What funeral home. Did we want the hospital chaplen to come in and talk to us.  I said that the only thing I want is to go home,  sleep in my bed.  

I felt numb. So many questions. Of which I will never find out the answers too. 

To be continued… 

Losing my mind…

I have found that this is my safe haven to write,  bitch,  vent.  Pretty much anything. So due to the fact that it is 3:22am and I am still wide awake is horrible. Insomnia is seriously the devil.  It’s my kryptonite. Year and a half ago I was told my c5 and c6 in my neck were buldging and herniated. Started out with massage therapy.. Didn’t work,  went and had trigger point injections done,  had a spinal injection done.  Now they have me taking lyrica, couple muscle relaxers on top of my normal medication.  So,  now I have to go to Syracuse NY to see and orthopedic surgeon. For those that aren’t familiar with NY, I live about an hour and 15 minutes from my doctor.  But if you want the best sometimes you have to sacrifice. 

All I want is to have my son,  hold him kiss him touch him.  Life is too precious… Don’t ever go to bed mad, fix it!  Tell your girlfriend /boyfriend  wife /husband  no matter what that you love them. 

Outings…

OK so ever since we lost our son,  dealing with depression, anxiety and PTSD makes going out in public quite challenging. I cannot go out alone.  I have come to that realization. I am OK with that.  So having said that my husband had to go for blood work at our doctors office. No biggie Scott is with me, in my mind everything will be ok.  

Wrong!  I couldn’t believe my eyes… 

So we are sitting in the waiting room waiting to be called back. In walks a young mother with her daughter who I would say is probably 2 or 3. She was such a cutie.  So her Lil girl was quite talkative and friendly.  The mother couldn’t be bothered to entertain her daughter she cared more about her facebook status or her instagram or Snapchat whatever it was that was keeping her from paying attention to her daughter.  Seriously I wanted to say what the fuck are you doing?  You are blessed to have this adorable Lil girl and you are ignoring her!!!!!  

I would give anything to have a child but PCOS makes it a struggle.

     Am I wrong in my thinking?  Have I lost my mind?  

There are times where I have to question why God can be so hurtful. That is a whole other subject that I will get into at a later time.  I just don’t understand